Mastermind

Just came back from the last paper of this semester, MAS 446 Probabilistic Methods in OR. Well, I can’t say it was my best performance. However, I’ve given my best (despite of reading incorrectly, and forget to multiply some things).. (Well, now it’s the time for me to hear someone says “that wasn’t your best!!”) haha… Anyway, nothing I could do anymore besides praying and wishing for the best, for whatever it is.

Regardless of whining about all those mistakes I’ve made unintentionally (of coz it was unintentional!), I must say I’m indeed happy. It’s simply becoz of one reason, the reason why in the first place I decide to study math. haha…. the last paper I had this morning was FUN. haha… And I have just realized that after all, the thing I’ve known for years of my life haven’t changed at all, not even a bit.

During school period everyone knows how hard I was striving to study math. (Or perhaps they dont know). I wasn’t and am not a very clever person, not in math obviously. I fought hard to understand it better by working twice or even thrice as hard as others did to understand a matter. Simply put me as “not gifted”, if that helps… haha….  However, I’ve always enjoyed doing math, especially those types of problems that are presented with simple sentences but need a very deep understanding and logic to solve. Or in other words, I like to trouble myself. ^_^ as the result, I have not been able to reach anything that is worth a big respect. Don’t expect me to grab a title in any competition, coz my ability hasn’t reached there yet. Haha…. This once had me to wondering myself whether I deserve to get every chance I got to represent my school for math competitions. When those desperations came into mind, I’d always felt disappointed. How come I still get nothing even though I’ve given everything? Then I started to get angry to math (simply coz it wasn’t a wise choice to get angry to people, so I chose to be angry to an abstract thing). I still remember there was a friend of mine told me that math has nothing to do with all I was facing back then, coz math has never been wrong…. Haha… it sounds funny…. but I guess I can accept that reason. And today I found that math has never changed at all. The more excited I get myself into, the worse I did the job. Wkaka…. This explains why I feel happy, even though I didn’t do very well today. I believe that everything got its own reason. Perhaps if I was so “powerful” and gifted, I would think of math as a simply boring subject (even though I know it will never get boring). But now, I’m seeing myself as a regular person in her dream to get what she can’t get in the real world. I mean, that’s what the dream is for, isn’t it? To create hopes for those who are hopeless… haha….

Maybe I’ve changed a bit, from a person who holds an idealistic view of life to a person who thinks more realistic. That has given me a license to simply learn everything efficiently (meaning all that necessary for the exams ONLY), instead of thinking into the depth of the problems. Nevertheless, I haven’t been good enough in practicing my new vision. I’ve always troubled myself to the greater view. I’ve always thought, if I can’t understand the problems, it is better for me to fail than to walk forward with nothing in mind. This term, I believe, is my own way to punish myself. (and I have been doing that since primary school).

That is the reason why I should get ready to face everything I will get for the result, even though if I have to fail and retake again (gosh, I hope I won’t), because right now I feel I am walking on the right path. After all, I’ve never regretted that I’ve taken math as my major. How could one regret to pursue the thing that (s)he loves? Well, no pain no gain….. God has given me something that I treasure for every year in my life, and God is wise enough to get me a less brain than all those gifted ones, because else I might turn to be a jerk….  Haha…. Well, it’s because I have a habit to lose up everything I have, to go after everything I don’t have… *sigh*.

So in the end, this is my math, this is me…. And who am I? I’m just a worker, an inferior, working for God’s company in math department…. ^_^

Lia Andriyani.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You’re barely waking
And I’m tangled up in you
Yeah

I’m open, you’re closed
Where I follow, you’ll go
I worry I won’t see your face
Light up again

Worries…. Everyday in our minds. Human for reasons or no reason always feels worried. Worried to be alone, worried to be left by people who are important in their lives. Today we might see the faces we love, but who knows what would happen tomorrow. As we see new faces everyday, we might as well lose the sight of those old faces. And that is not the only reason. I’d rather see no faces than to see one in their gloomy days. Every time I see one with tears, I felt broken. The feel of belonging, to a community, to someone else’s life dragged me to view myself as someone whose task is to protect, to comfort, and to make sure that everything’s on their side. I started to look at myself as someone who doesn’t own its life. Like an inferior who always serves the master. Like those servant whose life was paid by the master.

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

Yet it doesn’t matter how well we design everything, even though it might seem perfect from outside, it does sometimes fall into parts. And when it happens, it would probably hurt the most. On the other hand, thing to which we look at as such an ugly representation might crush our lives with its strength and wonder. Men searches for meaning, they look for it too hard until they started to lose their sight. So after all, what they’ve searched for is not a meaning, but an apology, an excuse to make their lives worth something.

I’m quiet you know
You make a first impression
I’ve found I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind

I’ve always wondered how God created human for the first time. How God shaped Adam’s personalities and then the way He thought about matching Adam’s with Eve’s. or perhaps, in the essence of human being, we can always mix and match our behaviors with others…. When one is striving hard to be able to adapt with someone else’s style, what is actually on his/her mind? Is that based on purely curiosity or becoming a part of other people’s lives? And often we feel after we finally fit the hole, we started to hate it. We started to feel scared that we can’t get out from whatever we get ourselves into. Is that based on human self-oriented behavior? Or it’s just that everything gets so boring after we look at things from the hole itself?

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don’t stop here
I’ve lost my place
I’m close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

artist: Howie Day

I asked myself for times
How did You feel when I broke Your rules
I asked myself even more
Did You cry when I denied myself as Yours

Found as broken and left alone
Sitting at the corner of life and had nothing on own
No price no dignity, it was me
Grasping on my breath to get You near

Remind me of the day I met You, Lord
For everything in me I’ve never achieved
Remind me of the day I heard Your voice, o Lord
For everything I couldn’t say in words

In You, I found myself weak
Yet You said in my weaknesses I will therefore be strong
Before You, the burdens got me on my knee
Yet You lifted my cross and died on it instead

I am lost
Searching my way and got nowhere
I am tired
Looking for help nobody can get

There You are
Always next to me
In silence I couldn’t hear
In shadow I couldn’t see

Never too early nor too late
In time I’ve always seen
For things I took as fate
In You I got my way straight

I couldn’t say no more promises
For breaking so many hearts of Yours
Shame on me, o Lord
For this life has no worth
But to kneel down and pray
But to weep and confess
Things I didn’t do enough in life
Yet again You draw me on Your arms and comfort me
So I ask myself one more time
Have You ever given up on me?

Lia Andriyani

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
water’s getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I’d see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn’t
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I’m so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything’s alright

artist: Lifehouse

Lupakah aku?

Pada kekuatan sebuah kata

Awal dari sebuah kalimat?

Lupakah aku?

Pada kekuatan sebuah hardikan

Awal dari sebuah perpecahan?

Hilangkah aku?

Dari sekisah nyata

Hidup lebih dari sekedar cermin di mata

Mungkin aku tersesat

Atau berlari terlalu pesat

Hingga pemandangan indah pun terlewat

Seperti bayang di gelap malam

Kubawa ingatan ini

Melalui kisah di masa lalu

Kekecewaan, kekaguman, kebahagiaan, kesedihan

Hanya tangan yang menulis

Tapi hati yang bicara

Menjadikan puisi2 itu cerita

Lebih jelas dari media dan berita

Temanku berkata

Tulisanku terlalu buram

Tiada arti

Mengaburkan gambar

Aku berkata

Aku melihat masa laluku

Jelas

Tajam

Seperti sebuah film berwarna yang indah

Dan aku akan tetap menulis

Seperti angka pada pikiranku

Pena pada tanganku

Impian dalam hidupku

Lia Andriyani

6 Juni 2007

Yesus [True Worshippers - All Things New]

VERSE
Hidup yang kupilih
Mebuatku berarti
Kar’na Yesus Tuhan
Tempat kupercaya dan berharap
Kubuka mataku
Lihat sek’lilingku
Kuharus nyatakan
Kebenaran-Nya yang membebaskan

PRECHORUS
Kar’na kuasa-Mu
Kar’na kehebatan-Mu
Ku dapat lakukan
Perkara Besar
Yang Enkau janjikan

CHORUS
Yesus Kaulah sahabatku
Yesus Kau yang akan s’lalu berada di sisiku
Kau sumber kuatku
Yesus Kaulah sahabatku
Yesus Kau yang tak pernah jemu-jemu di sisiku
Kau sumber kuatku

END
Kau sahabatku
Berada di sisiku
Kau sahabatku selama-lamanya
Kau sahabatku berada di sisiku

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry

Cry……

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on…..

I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down…
To my last cry…

~so let me do my part…. crying for the last time

You could’ve broken many hearts
And I know you always said it had never been easy
Try to be my heart and you’ll know
It was the hardest time for me

I could’ve made a billion mistakes
But when it came to u
I always made every moment as perfect as in my dreams

I could’ve cried a thousand tears
But it wouldn’t be the same as a single tear shed that day

Coz I….
I dreamed and wished every second
Coz I…
I prayed and wondered every day
How are you and how you’ve been
Where are you and where you’ll be

It took a step and everything’s gone
Years I built my dreams
To hold and touch in my mind
A second it blown away
Tore every breath that I hold

It had never been a second chance
You didn’t even give a first…
For everything I kept in mind
And dealt with it every single time

I could’ve hurt so many people
And cried each day for doing so
Try to be me and you’ll see
Would rather hurt a nation
Just to make you smile

Time is running
Yet the pain remains
For every heart wouldn’t be the same
When it happens once in life
It broke and never healed
When you said it wasn’t easy on you….

Lia Andriyani
March 18, 2008

Whats there with numbers
Something the words cant say out loud
Whats there with symbols
Something the tongue cant say without a doubt

It was there right on my lips
Wonder why it didn’t come out in time
It was there right on my hips
I put my weight not to let me fall

I ask GOD why I have mouth
When I never speak out the words in mind
I ask LORD why I have hands
When I cant hold someone I care bout tightly

It was written on my life
I was who I am right now
A thinker not an actor
Not even dare to take a step forward

Not a perfect one
No doubt bout who I am
A different person will be
When the tickling feeling burst my heart
When I love….
I do it perfectly

Would you let me be myself
Coz its just the way that fits me perfectly
Would you let me be in silence
Even tho u know words everywhere lying on my brain

Would you let me be myself
Knowing that u may know me better
But keep the feeling inside
Coz it’s the way I like myself to be

Please let me be myself
Reaching everything in my dreams quietly
Like numbers playing with words
Symbols dancing between languages
Its who I am entirely

Lia Andriyani
January 19, 2008

It’s just me trying to write
When everything seems to be all right
But when u reach me inside
Nothing’s left of me to give anymore fight

Yes, I could stand
Yes, I could jump
But no, I don’t want to go
When I can see nothing but darkness

How if I stumbled
Fell off n hurt myself
How if I got lost
Crying for help but no one’s there

I was there
Alone and terrified
I was there
Weeping in my wait

Where are u?
Here I heard my heart calling u
Where are u?
Here I felt my tears running down on my cheek

I’m calling u, my angel
Dare u to mend a broken heart
I’m calling u, my angel
Dare u to put back what’s already apart

Help me, oh I cry
too many grins in a day
Find me, oh I cry
too many sins I have to pay

I believe in no more words
As it killed me when I was hurt
I believe in no more warmth
As it froze me when I was reaching my death

Who am I anyway
But a piece of world can live w/o
Who am I anyway
I’m just a piece of what world agreed as reality

Lia Andriyani
Dec 18, 2007